I'ma Pleaser

After a long night of conversation with my mother a few weeks ago, the consensus is that I'm a "Pleaser".

That basically means, that I will do whatever I can to make others (that I love) happy even to the point of detriment. As in I'll put their wants and happiness above my own. I think for a long time I've always known this. Although recently (I guess this convo with my mother is really the catalyst) I've been feeling like this pattern of pleasing has left me with an empty feeling. On top of that, i feel as though it leaves me in a position to be taken for granted.

I've felt this way for a LONG time and until recently couldn't really understand that for all the good I feel I am, and the good I do, I place myself in a position to be taken advantage of. When people say "the good guy finishes last" this is very true. I am the perverbial good guy, for all intents and purposes. I definitely feel as though I finish last a lot. Not in love necessarily because I have an amazing person in my life that I'm getting married to next June. Just in terms of person to person stuff, I take L's and sometimes people run the score up. Strictly because I let them. I allow folks to get away with things. I have to be able to stand up and say no. I have to stand up and be strong enough to know that saying won't kill the other person, and they won't leave me if I say no. Although if they did, then maybe they weren't who i thought they were in the 1st place. So that would be a good thing actually.

On the flip side of things those that I do love, who aren't very used to hearing me say no may be taken aback and might be a little angry with me at first. I need to do this, to keep my sanity.

I hate this feeling of being let down, when in actuality I've never let anyone know how I felt or what was important to me. Or I just didn't harp on things for fear of upsetting someone. I need to get over that shit, because honestly ain't no one going anywhere and, I need to be happy.

Honestly if I'm happy everyone else will be happy. So let's see where this takes us.

So hold on people, hopefully I'll make some moves and take that next step in life.