Thursday, June 22, 2006

I want to eat here!

I write to you today with an angry demeanor and a heart full of resentment. Now this may come as quite the surprise to some of you; but this resentment is not however targeted towards my lady, or my family, or my friends. It's targeted towards me.

In the last couple of days, I've come to realize that this hell that I've managed to get myself into is my fault and my fault alone.

For as far back as I can remember, I never really voiced my opinion to my friends for fear of being ostracized and or not liked any longer. So I would always just say "whatever I don't care" and the worst part is I made myself believe I didn't care or I didn't have a preference. As I take stock of myself now I realize this type of behavior has placed me in many a situation that I neither wanted to be in or enjoyed. I complained, sulked, and had a horrible time. I could've just as easily said I didn't want to be there, or do that thing and been very happy elsewhere. But I didn't want to make any waves, so I went along with it.

As the years have flown by, I'm now realizing this is one of the serious reasons for me being taken for granted and treated as if what I wanted wasn't as important as everyone else's. I can distinctly remember one time when I was getting upset because I said I wanted to do something and everyone in the room was just like "well whatever he'll do what we want" (obviously it wasn't said like that, but you get the gist) but that's how I feel about my life now. My wants not being taken seriously because "oh I'll get over it" this is because I've gotten over everything thus far and I haven't let people know how I truly felt about things.

Instead of giving people the idea that I might be into something, i'm clearly not I should just say I'm not for that. Point blank, regardless of what they say. I'm just gonna do me.

I'm tired of my pops taking me for granted and just using me for whatever it is he wants, rides, money, alcohol, whatever. I've done it because I was taught to "honor thy parents" I can do that, without putting myself out constantly for him. I'm tired of this shit and it ends here. From now on I must say "no I can't do that" if for nothing more than my own sanity.

The whole dog situation is done, the little guy will be here this afternoon. I'm really not happy with it. I'm not happy about the way it played out. Particularly because of the timetable I had in my head. Yes i know that I don't express it no one knows what's in my head yes this is true. But for me I had a plan that I would propose with dog, because I figure that if I were ready to make that sacrifice for her on my own, then I'd be more than ready to commit to the long haul of marriage. Obviously she wasn't aware of that, and that's unfair of me to be upset with her, she had no clue. Now I'm really salty because I'm not ready for the dog by any means but Hugo will be at the crib this evening. I enjoy my life the way it is, and hate the fact that my entire schedule and life MUST change for something that I didn't want nor agree with. So there's that whole thing. I'll be working hard on myself to try and change and attempt to get some semblance of happiness out having this damn thing. Ya'll gotta pray for me.

The Heat have won and I'm happy, but please stop comparing MJ to D Wade they're completely different.

I'm done, I'm spent, I'm gone.


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