Friday, June 30, 2006

#4 2.0

I go home in about an hour. I have a positive outlook and hope that maybe I'll surprise myself and i won't be miserable when i get back. Let's all hope shall we kiddies.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Chronicals of Dognia #4

I'm at a loss. I don't really know what to say at this point.


I never imagined all this over a dog.

Amazed I am.

Chronicals of Dognia #3

I can't believe how much anger and frustration this thing has caused.

I must say I'm truly and honestly angry that this has caused me to contemplate if only for a second; life without the lady. I love her dearly and never want to know life without her. I think if we communicate better and try harder to see where the other one is coming from we'll at least feel better.

I know we're in a situation where we both want completely opposite things. And honestly there is no compromise, so we're just trying to make it work.

Who would've ever thought I'd give this much time to a damn dog.

In other news life as a dogless bachelor has been great!!!! I'll be back home soon, and then there's a Concert and 4th of July coonery, and then there's my birthday and I think we all know that there's not much that I love more than the day that we celebrate me. So get on board, clear your calendars and bring your asses to Bmore. That's where it's goin down and I'm acting an ass.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Chronicals of Dognia: #2.

So my life with Hugo is now starting to take shape. I don't like dogs, and Hugo makes me want to throw him out the window somedays. Seriously, i want to throw his little ass out the window and let him land where he may. But that's not what's gonna happen. Truth be told Hugo is by far one of the best puppies I've ever seen. If I liked dogs, this would be great, but since I don't and generally get a little salty everytime I walk into my aparment it still sux for me.

This weekend was a big one for us. I was being me (not talking, and generally being a quiet storm) which isn't always fair to the other person, but honestly if I let out what's inside of me I don't think i've have a return address right now, so to that aspect I made the right choice. Anyone who's ever dated me, or has been around me when i'm not happy will attest to how bad it can be when I'm obviously upset but don't want to let it out. So imagine about 10x worse and that's what was in my head this weekend. (If you co-sign this I may de-friend you, you've been warned)

This dog has definitely had an impact on a lot of things. I think even I underestimated how angry and upset I would be. But things have gotten better, believe it or not. I take him out, I'm not cutesy with him though, there's not much praise from me. It's basically take shit outside the apartment "Good Dog" start to piss in the apartment "bad dog!" not a good look. He'll learn and at somepoint he'll be bearable and I won't have to follow his little hardheaded behind everywhere he goes.

So I guess I'm in such a good mood about things, because I'M NOT THERE!!!!!!! I'm in Anaheim for the week, so i'm enjoyin walking around without the smell of dog, or having to take anyone out, or plan my day around that little bastard it's great!!

We'll see how it goes when I get back in the area and we have another installment.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Chronicles of Dognia

Installation #1.

So the pooch is here and quite frankly it's not a bad dog. Honestly I was a dog person I'd be really happy with the puppy we have. Being as that I'm not a dog person it don't matter the muthafucka could cook me breakfast and pay off my credit card debt, it's still a dog. Anyway while I'm awake the dog is fine. whilst in a state of slumber(or supposed slumber that is) we have a completely dynamic goin on. Peep game and let me put you on. I come home from seeing Primo it's late and I'm soaking wet with sweat and smelling of smoke so all I want to do is shower and go to sleep. As I come into the kitchen low and behold the cage isn't in it's spot. Well I'm thinking where could the cage be? Surely it couldn't have magically disappeared? Nope not in the living room area, hmm well I know it's not in our room because we talked about that, and I know it's not in there. Nope not in the spare bedroom, hmm I know she didn't put it in her closet? Naw not in there, as I walk into the bedroom I see it. Yep the cage is sitting nicely against the wall midway through the room.

At this point I'm instantly ignited. Instantly, but I'm keeping it cool. The lady wakes and asks me how it was. I tell her good and go about my business of getting ready for bed. Stripping off the wet clothes separating them and putting them in the other room, you know stuff like that.

I finally manage to get into bed around 3. This is when my inner self took over and the awake putting on a good face for the sake of the relationship Dae went away. I tried to sleep, I mean I really tried to sleep. Nope I didn't finally get to close my eyes until sometime around 4. Oh but I was back up again at 5:35AM, 6:15AM, 6:53AM, 7:22AM and my alarm went off at 7:25AM Obviously I didn't get up when it went off. So I'm here at work on about 2.7 hours of sleep and I was so angry this morning when I left I started to tear. There was nothing I could do to release the frustration. I wanted to scream, kick, or hurt something. All of those expressions of emotion would've been ill-placed and wrong, so i just held it to myself.

Fact of the matter is that I'm not that comfortable around dogs. Like I said when I'm awake I'm good, I can control it. When I'm trying to sleep and all my defenses are down, I'm not ok. So me sleeping in the sameroom with the dog "just for a couple of MONTHS" may not fly with me. I might have to go sleep in the other room. I can't spend nites up and down like last nite. I don't have a child and until I get one, I refuse to do that to myself.

If you're saying "oh you'll get over it" you can kiss my ass. I have a RIGHT to feel comfortable in the place where I pay rent. So please kiss my ass, get the fuck outta here with that bullshit.

Well we'll see where it goes from here. Hugo is here and we'll see how long before I loose either my sanity.

Ya'll really should pray for me.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I want to eat here!

I write to you today with an angry demeanor and a heart full of resentment. Now this may come as quite the surprise to some of you; but this resentment is not however targeted towards my lady, or my family, or my friends. It's targeted towards me.

In the last couple of days, I've come to realize that this hell that I've managed to get myself into is my fault and my fault alone.

For as far back as I can remember, I never really voiced my opinion to my friends for fear of being ostracized and or not liked any longer. So I would always just say "whatever I don't care" and the worst part is I made myself believe I didn't care or I didn't have a preference. As I take stock of myself now I realize this type of behavior has placed me in many a situation that I neither wanted to be in or enjoyed. I complained, sulked, and had a horrible time. I could've just as easily said I didn't want to be there, or do that thing and been very happy elsewhere. But I didn't want to make any waves, so I went along with it.

As the years have flown by, I'm now realizing this is one of the serious reasons for me being taken for granted and treated as if what I wanted wasn't as important as everyone else's. I can distinctly remember one time when I was getting upset because I said I wanted to do something and everyone in the room was just like "well whatever he'll do what we want" (obviously it wasn't said like that, but you get the gist) but that's how I feel about my life now. My wants not being taken seriously because "oh I'll get over it" this is because I've gotten over everything thus far and I haven't let people know how I truly felt about things.

Instead of giving people the idea that I might be into something, i'm clearly not I should just say I'm not for that. Point blank, regardless of what they say. I'm just gonna do me.

I'm tired of my pops taking me for granted and just using me for whatever it is he wants, rides, money, alcohol, whatever. I've done it because I was taught to "honor thy parents" I can do that, without putting myself out constantly for him. I'm tired of this shit and it ends here. From now on I must say "no I can't do that" if for nothing more than my own sanity.

The whole dog situation is done, the little guy will be here this afternoon. I'm really not happy with it. I'm not happy about the way it played out. Particularly because of the timetable I had in my head. Yes i know that I don't express it no one knows what's in my head yes this is true. But for me I had a plan that I would propose with dog, because I figure that if I were ready to make that sacrifice for her on my own, then I'd be more than ready to commit to the long haul of marriage. Obviously she wasn't aware of that, and that's unfair of me to be upset with her, she had no clue. Now I'm really salty because I'm not ready for the dog by any means but Hugo will be at the crib this evening. I enjoy my life the way it is, and hate the fact that my entire schedule and life MUST change for something that I didn't want nor agree with. So there's that whole thing. I'll be working hard on myself to try and change and attempt to get some semblance of happiness out having this damn thing. Ya'll gotta pray for me.

The Heat have won and I'm happy, but please stop comparing MJ to D Wade they're completely different.

I'm done, I'm spent, I'm gone.